What Are You Thinking About?
by seaweed-crackerjacks
Summary: Tori's dying and Jade can't handle it but she has to and she does because Tori will always be there.


"What are you thinking about?" Jade turns to Tori, watching her watch the movie on TV. Tori slowly turns to face Jade, a blank look in her eyes.

"Tori? Is everything ok?" Worried, Jade scoots closer to Tori, taking her hands into her own softly running her thumb over dry knuckles. She's looking into Tori's eyes, trying to find any hint of life in them but fails. All she's met with is… nothing. Panic growing, Jade runs her hands up Tori's arms and cups her face trying to bring her dead expression to life.

"Tori, please. Say something!" She's slightly shaking her now, tears welling up in her eyes, "Tori!"

A tear escaping green eyes, Jade jumps off the couch and runs for the phone to call for an ambulance when she hears laughter behind her. She quickly turns around staring at the girl on the couch laughing so hard that she falls off the couch. "Oh my God, Jade. You should have seen your face!" Tori says in between laughs, clutching her stomach. "It was priceless!"

"I can't _fucking_ believe you did that, Tori! I seriously can_not_ believe you fucking did that!" Anger taking over her, Jade stomps her way back to the couch and stands in front of Tori, glaring at her with clenched fists. Tori stares up at Jade, noticing not only the anger but the fear in her eyes. She sighs and grabs Jade's hands, pulling her down next to her so she can try to ease the girl's fear.

"Jade… I'm sorry," she places a hand on Jade's cheek slowly caressing it with her thumb, "I'm _so_ sorry. I- I didn't mean to upset you. It- I- Ugh- I was just trying having a little fun." She groans out the last part realizing that this probably isn't the right time to 'have fun', though considering the circumstance, when is the right time to have fun?

Jade slowly brings her head up, a small smirk playing at her lips and a hint of mischief in her eyes, she locks eyes with Tori letting her smirk grow. Tori smacks Jade on the arm finally realizing what she did, "Jade! I can't believe you!" She tries saying that with as much anger as she could muster but fails miserably as laughter escapes her mouth.

They're both laughing falling sideways on the couch trying to let this moment last as long as possible before they have to return to reality.

With the laughter finally subsiding, Jade pulls Tori into a hug holding her tightly as reality tries to set in. Tori wraps her arms around Jade's waist and leans her head down onto her shoulder, basking in the warmth of her girlfriend. They both just sit there with eyes closed wishing time could stop, for a minute, maybe even for forever.

"We missed the movie."

Jade chuckles, "Yeah, so we did."

"Eh, that's ok. It was kind of boring anyway."

"Yeah, it was." Jade whispers, letting the silence take them over.

The room is quiet and dark, the only light coming in is from the full moon outside. They sat in the silence, listening to each other's breathing and the light ruffling of the trees outside. They sat there for about a half an hour, holding each other, drinking in each other's presence as much as they could.

Tori rests her head against Jade's chest, feeling her chest rise and fall, hearing her heart beat a steady rhythm. She closes her eyes and plays with Jade's hands, running her fingers slowly over every inch of them so she could mesmerize the feel, the texture. She hears sniffling above her and feels the chest she's laying on hiccup several times. Tori looks up and sees Jade crying.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" She already knows the answer but she also knows that they need to talk before it's too late.

"You know why."

"Jade…," Tori sits up and faces her bringing her hands to her lap, "You need to say it. We need to talk."

"I don't want to talk about it! If- if I say it out loud, it'll just make it real!" Her cries are getting louder, harder with every word she says. She can't do this.

"But it is real, Jade. This is real, it's happening. And- and soon it'll end." She wants to hug the crying girl but she knows she can't, well, not yet at least.

"I know! God damn it, I _know_!" Jade pulls her hands away and brings them up to her face, covering her eyes so she doesn't have to see anything, so she doesn't have to see Tori. "But it's not fair! This isn't fair!"

Tori is trying really hard not to cry herself, she knows that she has to be strong for Jade but watching the girl she loves cry, over her, is one of the worst things in the world.

"I know Jade, I know but there's nothing we can do about it. All we can do is just spend the rest of my time left with each other." Tori slowly places her hand on Jade's shoulder trying to calm her but it only causes Jade to jump up off the couch, throw her hands up and yell.

"NO TORI! NO! This shouldn't be happening! Why is this happening? Why us? Why you! Of all people, why you?" Jade falls to her knees, her hands falling in front of them and head hanging, she quietly says, "Why you? Why not me?"

Tori falls next to her and places her hand on Jade's back, slowly rubbing small circles, "Don't say that, Jade. I rather it be me than you."

"Yeah, well, I rather it be _me_ than you, Tori!" She sits up and turns toward Tori, "You don't deserve this! You are the nicest, most caring and loving girl I know and you just don't fucking deserve this!" She faces Tori completely and cups her cheeks, "You deserve to live a full life! A life full of love and happiness-"

"I have lived a full life though, Jade. I have love and happiness and I owe it all to you. You made me the happiest girl in the world and you have loved me so much, I could burst from it all." She leans in and softly kisses Jade, lingering and relishing in the feel of the warm, wet lips.

Jade reluctantly pulls away and leans her head against Tori's breathing in shared breaths, "I love you so much, Tori. _You_ have made _me_ the luckiest and happiest girl in the world. And- and I know this is going to sound selfish but… I just don't want you to leave me. What am I to do without you? You have been a part of my life for so long, I just don't know how to survive without you. I don't know if I can, if I'll be able to…"

"I have faith in you, Jade. You are so strong, the strongest person I know."

Laughing softly, Jade interrupts, "Yeah, only because you made me this way."

Shaking her head and a small smile gracing her lips, Tori continues, "Shh, let me finish. Jade, you are so strong and amazing and talented and beautiful. I have no problem believing that you are going to change the world someday and just know that I'll be there with you through every step. Know that I'll love you until the end of time, that you'll never be alone."

Jade is rendered speechless and the only way she knows how to express whatever she's feeling is through kiss. She cups Tori's face and brings their lips together, tilting her head to capture full lips. She parts her lips, her tongue running over Tori's bottom lip asking for entry. Tori parts her own lips, granting access to Jade, allowing their tongues to meet. Tori runs her hands up Jade's back and tangling them into soft black hair, desperately trying to bring their heads even closer. The kiss is slow and passionate, feelings pouring in and out of their mouths, their touch, seeping into their veins and bloodstreams and racing to their hearts, making it beat faster and faster. The air in their lungs running low causing their chests to heave and burn with intensity but they're too afraid to pull apart. Finally and reluctantly they both pull apart, gasping for air and holding each other tight.

"I'm getting tired, Jade…" She whispers into soft black hair, losing strength.

Jade closes her eyes and prays that she could do this, that she could be strong until this is over. "Come on, let's sit on the couch." She helps Tori up and helps her lay on the couch. She lifts her head up and places it on her lap. She runs her hand through Tori's hair, massaging her scalp every time she comes back up. Her eyes are closed as she listens to soft breaths; counting between each one letting her know that they're becoming steady.

"Jade?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me something."

"Anything."

"Promise me you'll find someone else, that you won't hold on to me."

"I- I don't know if I can do that…"

"Yes you can, I know you can. Promise me you'll try."

"I don't want to though…"

"Jade, please. Promise me. I don't want you to be alone, or sad. I want you to be happy. So promise me."

"Fine, I promise."

"Thank you… and Jade?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Silence. Too much silence.

Her chest tightens, a sob stuck in her throat, and eyes sting with tears, Jade looks down. She's met with such a peaceful expression. Tori's eyes are closed, a smile on her lips and her hands lying on her stomach, she looks happy and peaceful.

Jade smiles sadly as she softly runs her hand through Tori's hair and down the side of her face, "_So much._" She kisses Tori's forehead and gets up. She goes for the phone and dials 911, calling for an ambulance.

10 minutes later, the ambulance arrives and takes Tori to the hospital, Jade following closely in her own car. Once at the hospital and all the papers signed and situated, Jade pulls out her phone to call all of their friends and family to let them know what happened.

None of them knew of Tori's situation. She didn't want them to know until after she was gone because she didn't want to deal with all of the sadness and heartache. She wouldn't have told Jade but she had to because they lived together. Instead, she wrote them all individual letters explaining what was happening, how she felt, how much she loved them and why she chose not to tell anyone of her situation.

It makes sense, Tori never wanted anyone to feel bad for her, to feel pity. She always wanted to make people happy and by keeping this a secret, they would only feel sad for a little while- after hearing the news of her passing- and then they would move on.

So one by one, Jade calls each one of their friends and family members to let them know what happened and each one asking the same thing, _"Oh my God, what? What do you mean she passed away? How? Why? _What?_ I- I don't understand. Wait, what about you? How are you?" _And Jade would simply reply to each person with, "_I will be sending out letters that she has written explaining everything. And please don't worry, she passed away peacefully. She felt no pain whatsoever. Also, don't worry about me. I am fine. I will speak to you soon. Bye."_

They all tried calling back, wanting more answers but Jade rejected each call, wanting to see Tori away and head home to sleep.

"Jade West," the nurse calls out.

"Yes, yes. I'm here," Jade responds tiredly.

"Come with me. I just need you to sign a few more papers and then everything will be ready."

Jade follows her to the front desk, signs the papers she's given and then follows the nurse down to the morgue.

The nurse opens the door to the morgue for Jade and she was instantly hit with cold air. She walks over to a man sitting behind a desk, he looks up from the file he is reading and smiles softly at Jade.

"Hello. How can I help you, ma'am?" Jade scrunches up her nose, not really liking the sound of being called ma'am.

"Uhm, I'm here to see Tori Vega and to give you these papers." The papers indicated that Tori wanted to be cremated soon after her passing. She had it planned a couple of months before she was said to pass.

"Ah, yes. She's right over here," he leads Jade to Tori and leaves her alone, "I'm sorry about your loss. I'll be over here copying these papers if you need anything." Jade nods at the man and turns her attention back to Tori.

"I miss you so much, Tori." She touches Tori's face, feeling soft but cold skin. Instead she touches her hair, running her hand through it as tears fall freely from her eyes, "God, I wish I could bring you back. I miss your laugh and your voice and your touch. I miss you and I love you." She turns away feeling her chest tighten and body shake as her crying turns into quiet sobbing.

She dries her eyes as she heads back to the man at the desk telling the man that she's ready to leave. He hands her some tissues, which she gladly takes, and walks her to the elevator.

"Was she your friend?" He asks Jade, sadness in his eyes and voice.

"Uh, yeah. Best friend, actually." She looks down and feels a hand on her shoulder.

"I really am sorry about your loss." She softly smiles at him, waiting for the elevator doors to open.

When they finally do open and she enters, the man holds the doors open and looks at her, "Everything should be done within the next couple of days. We'll call you when her ashes are ready."

She looks down again and nods, "Thank you."

"Take care," he lets go of the doors and they shut.

She walks out of the hospital and the sun is setting but still shining brightly, the rays hitting her skin and instantly warming her. She thinks that maybe it's Tori up there, lighting up the world. She smiles at that thought and walks to her car, an overwhelming tired taking over.

When she arrives home, she sees a couple of flowers placed in vases in front of her door. One from Beck and the other from Cat, both holding little cards with something written on them.

She takes them inside and places them on the counter as she grabs a water bottle from the refrigerator. She sits on a stool in front of the flowers and pulls a card from one of the flowers and reads it, "_I'm so sorry about your loss, Jade. Please don't hesitate to call if you need anything. I'm always here for you. Love, Beck."_

She reaches for the other card and reads it, "_Jade, honey. God, I am so so so sorry. I hope you're ok and please don't hesitate to call me. Day or night, I'm here for you. I hope to see you soon. Lots of love and kisses, Cat."_

She loves that she has such supportive friends and she would have called them to thank them for the flowers but she's insanely tired so she heads to bed instead.

The next couple of days are a blur and every time the phone rang, she looked at the caller ID to see who it was and if it wasn't the morgue she ignored the call, letting it go to voicemail.

Sometime during the two days, she had gotten up and mailed each letter out to their respected friends. At the bottom of the box there was one more letter, titled to Jade… to her. She was shocked when she saw it and scared, she couldn't read it just yet. So she decided to read it when she headed up to the hills over Hollywood to spread Tori's ashes.

On the third day, she finally receives the call she's been waiting for.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Jade West?"

"Yes, it is."

"Hello Jade, I'm Dan calling from the morgue at the hospital. Just letting you know that everything is ready to be picked up."

"Oh, ok. Thank you. I- I'll be there soon."

"Ok. See you soon, bye."

As soon as she hung up the phone, she was out the door, her letter in hand.

She went to the hospital, picked up Tori's belongings and ashes, thanked Dan for everything and headed back to her car. She placed the urn in the front passenger seat, tied it in and made her way towards Tori's favorite spot in the hills. When she arrived, she parked her car, grabbed the urn and walked to the edge.

"It's beautiful out here, Tori. The sun is shining; it's warm with a light breeze. Your favorite kind of weather." She laughs softly and looks out into the city.

She lets go of any worry, of any sadness, of any anger, of any negative thoughts and all thoughts of their friends and family and holds onto the contentment she's feeling.

She slowly opens the urn; she closes her eyes for a few brief seconds and opens them. She tilts the urn enough so the ashes could fall out and be picked up by the wind, blowing them over Hollywood.

"I love you, Tori Vega. Bon Voyage." She watches as the ashes fly away. A small, sad but also happy smile forming on her lips and a few tears slip out. She wipes at the tears and pulls out the letter that Tori wrote to her. She opens the letter and begins reading.

"_Dear Jade,_

_Hey babe. Oh look, two greetings. *haha* You're sleeping right now and my God, you're beautiful. I could watch you sleep forever. I'm glad I'll be getting the chance too. _

_I know this hasn't been easy on either of us but I'm so glad that I have you by my side. I'm also sorry that you're going through this. You're so young; you shouldn't have to be dealing with this. I wish there were some way I could have kept this from you. So I could protect you from this sadness, protect you from heart ache and break. _

_Jade, I love you so much. I love you more than all of the love in this world put together and it's breaking my heart because no matter how much love I have for you, it's not and won't save you from the heartache. _

_Oh God, I'm crying. Sorry for the tear marks and smudges. _

_So I just want you to know that I am so sorry. I'm so sorry that I brought you into this mess and I know when you read this that you'll probably be saying "_Don't be stupid, Tori. Though this is unfortunate, I am so glad to be here with you."_ Or something along those lines, *haha*. But really, please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. _

_And please, please, please move on. I mean, don't forget me but find someone. Find someone who will make you happy, who will love you, who will cherish you. You are so special and beautiful, you deserve happiness. You already promised me and I know you always hold on to your word. _

_You're starting to stir so I guess that means I should get going. _

_I love you, Jade. I love you so much. You mean the absolute world to me. I'll be watching you from wherever I am. I'll be your guardian angel. _

_Love,_

_Tori."_

She pulls the letter to her chest, hugging it tightly, never wanting to let go of it. She lies back, lying fully on the ground and stares off into the sky. She feels a cool breeze and looks to her side; she knows that Tori is there. She can feel her presence, in a way.

And no louder than a whisper, she closes her eyes and says to the space next to her, "What are you thinking about?"

**A/N: **

Ok so, I've read plenty of fanfics like this and gosh, how I hate them. Hahah which is funny because I totally just wrote one.

I read one a couple of nights ago and I cried, hahaha… but I just had the biggest urge to write one. So I was like, why not? So I fell asleep all wet and gross and stuff and you know that moment where you're still asleep but you're slowly waking up and you almost always forget whatever you're dreaming of unless you keep replaying it over and over and you usually just remember bits and pieces?

Yeah, so that's what happened here. Of course it's so much better in my dreams and I really suck at writing so it probably seems like a 1st grader wrote it.

Uhm, so… I guess if you read it and like it, review!  
>If you read it and don't like it, review!<p>

Also I'm working on another story, so if you want to read that one, let me know. I'll be posting it later, just got to review it. Aaahh, any who. Ok. I hope you like this.


End file.
